wyvchat

@AntwanLHerron what do you think? @123ebinlee

By being willing to be uncomfortable themselves by opening themselves up to the possibility of criticism or "awkward" conversations. That would be a great start. Male fragility really limits possibilities for growth.

My partner and I have frequent discussions about #consent and #rapeculture bc of my experiences.

what you said abt male fragility is so importnat, it seems like for a lot of masculine ppl, confiding abuse is like admitting they are less powerful or less masucline. We need to degender the issue

I think that more people need to freely discuss these things with friends that they trust.

Also: in addtion to degendering, we need to desexualize it is some ways. Sexual violence is just that, VIOLENCE (even if there are no ""physical marks"")

To begin, men should stop slut-shaming and victim-blaming.

I would like to see men intervene every time they see ppl being harassed, b/c it is often unsafe for others to do so

They need to call their friends out when they say/do fucked up things. They need to create a culture among themselves that has zero tolerance for it.

This is a really, really good question.

more male advocates ! Men need to get real with other men when women aren't around and let them know that jokes and sexist attitudes don't fly anymore, even when women aren't around

Men are quick to ask what a woman did to entice a man to rape her, as if during any sexual encounter men are not obligated to be in tune with the wants and needs of their current or potential partner, whether male or female, and practice self-control.

it is an intense subject.

I think it's important to change the narrative to not just reflect women as the victims.

I know a handful of men and masc folks who have been victimized, as well.

@laureldickman I agree. The narrative should be as broad and inclusive as possible.

We need to be open about communication and make the subject something less shameful

The Office for Victims of Crime reports "One in two trans. individuals is sexually abused or assaulted at some point in their lives."

one of the hardest parts of confiding an assault is how difficult it is to be taken seriously, even MORE so if you are not a cis-woman

When we view causes of sexual assault - patriarchy, racism, homo/transphobia - we are able to see survivors as many types of ppl

we need to stop victim blaming and #killthesilence surrounding experiences of SA

definitely need to end the victim blaming & shaming...people are afraid to speak up

Also acknowledging that cis folks like myself should step back + make space for diff voices

When men talk about rape, they get made fun of and turned into effite cariacatures

@missarkansassy YES understanding that #sexualassault is an intersectional issue is crucial to changing the system

Also, speaking to each other and believing each other

yes! We need to recognize that anyone can be a victim and anyone can be an abuser, it's about power not gender or sexuality. Men might be less likely to report assaults because of the stigma involved, we need to change that and not demonize

@laureldickman Exactly! Men are teased, especially if they're raped by other men. Think about the glee expressed over the outcome of the Holtzclaw case, and the likelihood that he'd be raped in jail as retribution.

when we make it a women vs. men issue we automatically put men on the defense, instead of having them as allies, which is extremely important. Abusers aren't 100% evil, being able to see that can get them out of denial and help us all heal

rape is NEVER okay & thinking "oh he'll get his in jail.." Not only perpetuates negative stereotypes, feeding into rape culture, & also turns you into an abuser because in your own mind you seek revenge and thing he deserves it. No one does!

@artbyemily omg everything you just said is ON POINT and puts into words a lot of my feelings on this matter <3

That is terrifying-- the idea that someone you care about so much will experience this incredibly hurtful event simply for existing in this society

i worry about the same thing...

I have sons, so I worry constantly they're going to grow up to be misogynists. It's a huge responsibility, knowing how many sucky men there are out there.

Yes, we've had plenty of talks about "victim mentality" and presenting yourself that way. In my opinion, and I realize its not for everyone, she can prevent most situations by presenting herself a certain way.

What do you feel you can do, as a mother, to try and grow your boys as "un-sucky" as possible?

And what I mean by that is, I realize that shit happens regardless, but whatever we can do to help pump up the confidence of our daughters is better than nothing, right?

we are alllll about pumping up the confidence of our daughters

I wouldn't agree. I went into drug treatment when I was 18 with something like 60 other women and all but four or five of them had been victims of SA. We're talking women from all walks of life and different presentations.

Yes, like I said..I realize it isnt a cover all solution.

while it does help to be confident, its rough trying to use that as protection. Many abusers take confidence as a challenge

@WearYourVoice I think using some of the crucial language as early on as you can is important. "Boundaries" and "consent" are constant themes in my parenting. It started with no forced affection, meaning on my part or theirs, even with relatives.

I really like the idea of "no forced affection."

@laureldickman No one owes them a hug or physical contact and they don't owe anyone that. It's shocking how many adult men don't get this concept.

Luckily my daughter has a pretty much no bullshit attitude and is rather non sexual (at the moment, I realize she is still young). I know she will still have to deal with lots of bullshit, but being naive about certain things will not be one of her issues.

The idea of KT being subjected to the things we were makes me ill. Ugh.

Exactly. When she was little I taught her "If anyone grabs you, start using your bad words really loud and make a scene, pee your pants..whatever" Yes, some people might be turned on by this but the majority of SO want an easy target.

Rally for our schools to include it with sex ed.

Consent and boundaries have to be taught both privately and institutionally.

@laureldickman Totally! Some colleges teach it now, but they're few and far between and by then a lot of this behavior is ingrained.

yeah tbh it needs to start SO MUCH EARLIER than college

we need to not try to reverse bad thinking habits, we need to grow better ones

i know a woman who works with kids & the private school she worked in taught consent as simply as teaching kids to respect each others' boundaries. taught kids awareness, that some kids aren't always comfortable w/ hugs or touching, ask 1st!

@nicolegervacio My kids' school did this too. It was called their "bubble" as in "HEY, you're popping my bubble!" I use it sometimes too. It's so nice and simple.

that's great! it can be so simple, teaching personal boundaries, consent and empathy should be priority at young ages...

i feel like there's another thread in this chat but @laureldickman mentioned 'no forced affection' -forcing kids to show affection/hugs/kisses to family members they're not comfortable with violates their personal boundary/bubble...

@WearYourVoice...adults should respect if a child does not want to hug/show affection to their family members (even if they love them!)- we need to respect kids' personal boundaries, let kids know they are allowed to say 'no' and that their opinion matters

...also allows kids to feel empowered in saying 'no' and to know when their are/have been violated that it's okay to speak up/seek help from adults.